Wednesday, June 24, 2009

I Prefer Babies who are Immobile

Other moms get excited when their babies crawl. Not me. Why you ask?

Well a crawling baby loves dog food. They love all cords. They love laptop computers. They love newspaper. They love to put these things in their mouth.

Crawling babies love to smack their heads on hardwood floors and then howl until you comfort them. Then they get big bruises for the world to see what a crappy parent you are. Then they do it all again 5 minutes later.

When you pick up the crawling baby they knock your can of diet coke off the counter. Because they love cans. Then you have to clean up the sticky pop with a towell with your foot because you cannot put the crawling baby on the floor because you don't want them covered in diet coke.

Crawling babies discover the dog door. They start playing with the flap. Pretty soon they'll be escaping through it causing you to have to seal it off. Which in turn upsets the already downtrodden dog who lost his place as baby of the family and who can no longer access his food because it is covered by a laundry basket.

Crawling babies like baby toys. But even more fun are dog toys. Like disgustingly dirty stuffed animals and pig hoofs. They also like to put these things in their mouths.

Crawling babies like to make it impossible for their parents to get anything done because they must divert attention from some life-threatening activity to a safe one about once every minute.

About the only thing worse than a crawling baby is a walking baby, because then they can reach about a foot higher.

9 comments:

magena said...

Oh sh*t Jennifer...I'm cracking up reading this.
Hey dog food is cheaper than that horrid canned baby food, so go for it!
Also we will have to be careful that the only cans jillian comes in contact with are empty beer cans.
Dang, kids are a lot of work.
Next she's gonna find your knitting fun to pull off the needles. Hide it, quick!

Birdee said...

Hrm... I never bought my son dog food so I guess I wouldn’t know :::wink:::
Hilarious Post. I can just see your sweet little Jillian doing every one of those things, and that sweet smile making it all feel worth it.

jenn said...

I am so going to enjoy my immobile baby as long as she is so! I have a feeling that mine will be just as much a handfull as yours sounds- but they both will get away with all of it because of those angel faces & smiles!

B said...

I'm dying here! The laundry basket is a good idea - I'll have to do that with my kitties. What we're most concerned about is the litter box. Dun dun dun. ;)

Nicky said...

Yes, believe me, we are counting our lucky stars that LL isn't mobile yet, even as we know that our days are very very numbered. And we don't even have pets to make things extra-messy.

Kelly said...

This is so funny yet scray because it is going to happen to me in no time! EEK! I'm going to thank my lucky stars each and every day that Makenna is immobile!!

Sunny said...

LOL - I hear ya! The extra height is the worst. I thought we were baby proofed, now he's pulling important papers off the kitchen table and giggling while he rips them up. I tell ya, if he weren't so cute...

Geohde said...

Immobile babies are MUCH easier to care for, I wholeheartedly concur.

g

JamieD said...

Yikes! I would be laughing my ass off if I didn't know that was going to be my life all too soon . . .