Today we've hit the 3 week mark. It gets better with every week, although I don't know if I would say that time is flying by. When I step back, it does not seem like I've been on maternity leave for an entire month already. However on a day by day basis time seems to move slowly given that my days consist of feeding, diaper changing, daytime television, general household upkeep and the occasional errand to the outside world. I'm not complaining. This change is temporary and well worth it for Miss Jillian. But admittedly I'm missing the intellectual stimulation from work that watching Regis and Kelly or the View just cannot provide.
The theme of the past week has been trying to let go of guilt and enjoy Jillian. I had prepared myself for depression, sadness and hormonal shifts after having a baby. What I had not expected was an enormous amount of guilt and inadequacy, which I think were heightened by the problems with breastfeeding. As I mentioned in my last post, we had problems breastfeeding after Jillian's NICU stay, and while I loved providing my baby with breast milk I hated pumping. I found the pressure to pump regularly enough to maintain my supply overwhelming. Late night pumpings took time away from what precious little sleep I was getting. Or when I would finally find a free minute to pump, it seemed like Jillian would start fussing. Soon I found myself resenting both pumping and Jillian. So in the end, I decided to give it up. I'm not proud of the decision and it certainly came with many tears. But in the end, I decided that it was more important for me to relax and enjoy my time with Jillian, and the past couple days have confirmed that choice to be a good one for me. (Please if you have anything negative to say about my decision keep it to yourself. I know this is a sensitive issue for people, but I hope people can respect my choice enough to keep their opinions to themselves.)
The sleep situation at night has been getting better thanks to the swing. Last night I actually got 4 (yes 4!) hours of uninterrupted sleep. With today's FedEx delivery of the Miracle Blanket, I'm hopeful that such sleep trends will continue. Also at C's recommendation my Moby Wrap arrived today, and I've been testing the contraption out. I'm finding that online shopping is a necessity with a newborn. How did mom's survive before the internet?
Jillian is starting to get fussy so I'd better go. I'm curious to see what week 4 brings. The first few weeks have been so much about trial and error in terms of figuring out what does and doesn't work. I feel like I'm starting to get the hang of it all, but still constantly nervous that this whole experiment is going to explode in my face.