We were married 8 years before we even began trying. Then it took a year and fertility meds to actually get pregnant. Obviously this was planned. And I'm definitely excited about finally becoming a parent. So why then am I also so damn scared? It isn't just me either. Jeramy commented the other night on how he is about to lose his freedom.
Now I'm not talking about the fear of miscarrying or having something else horrible happen during this pregnancy. I am scared of those things too. Rather, there are definitely days when I have to wonder if we're going to make it as parents. As it is, we can barely manage to dress ourselves in the morning, work all day, make dinner, and maybe (just maybe) clean the house up just a little bit. How on earth is a baby going to fit into all of this?
We both work, and with the exception of my maternity leave that won't be changing. Jeramy and I make the same amount of money (okay he beat me by like $200 or something last year, but whatever), and losing 50% of our income is simply not an option for us. IF one of us were to stop working it wouldn't get to be me as I'd lose too much wage-earning power, and my job is much more stable as it is not as subject to the whims of the economy unlike his construction job. I'd be fine with Jeramy quitting his job, but he wouldn't be fine with the toll that would take on his toys. So even if we drop the NK from DINK, we're keeping the DI.
Obviously there are ways to make this work but it does feel a little overwhelming at times. Luckily there are two of us, so it isn't like it is just me that has to make this work (how single parents do this is beyond me). Perhaps some of it is about lowering standards or changing assumptions about how parenthood should be. I don't know. But I think I'll be finding out sometime this fall.
I'm sorry if this post sounds whiny or ungrateful. That is not what I was intending. I'm incredibly excited about being a mom, and I want this more than anything. At the same time I do have to be realistic. I just know that raising children isn't all rainbows and sunshine, and after it being just Jeramy and I for nearly ten years, this is going to be a major adjustment. And if anybody out there wants to share how they managed this transition, I'd love to hear from you.