I'm thinking of writing the following letter to the captains on The Deadliest Catch:
Dear Sig, Phil, Keith and Johnathan,
Like you, I too am the captain of a crab fishing vessel and lead a family-based crab fishing operation. Now granted the vessel in question is a sixteen foot 1988 Bayliner Capri, the family in question is my husband, Jeramy, we have a grand total of four crab pots and our annual earnings are $0. But nonetheless, I admire your work and feel that you all will have insight into a problem I am experiencing.
My husband Jeramy is the Deckhand on our ship. He prefers the terms Deck Boss, but as there are no personnel to actually supervise, I feel the label Deckhand is more appropriate. The problem I face, is that Jeramy has become a bit of a "backseat-Captain". He is always telling me to go left or right, forward or reverse, faster or slower, etc. Of course this all becomes quite irritating, especially considering that most of the time his directions are wrong and he is interfering with my supreme capabilities as Captain. I also find that Jeramy believes that I should steer the boat in a manner that is most conducive to him. For example, yesterday I had to go forward and reverse over and over again so that the boat stayed in water of a depth of 60' while Jeramy tried to undo a knot in the line attached to one of our pots. I found this very exascerbating since as part of his Deckhand duties he should have check the pots for such knots ahead of time and been ready to throw them overboard at precisely the right moment. Pulling pots onboard is also infuriating as I must be quite careful about steering the boat just close enough but not too close to the pot. I notice that you get to steer your boats where-ever you want and at any speed, and that figuring out how to get the pot in the boat is entirely the Deckhands' problem.
I notice that you all do not put up with this type of behavior on your boats. Please, tell me your secrets in the management of crab fishermen! How can I attain such a surly and fearsome manner that just a hint of a scowl sends my husband flying into action. Unfortunately firing my husband from his Deckhand duties is not an option, as it is unlikely that I'd find a replacement since this is a non-paid position.