Stepping Back a Couple Months

I think that I went on the pill for the total of one month after my post-partum visit. After not taking birth control for two years, I had forgotten what a royal pain in the ass it was to remember to take a pill every single day. After making this complaint to Jeramy we decided to toss the pills. After all the worst case scenario was that I would get pregnant (which seemed laughable), and we would both be happy with what he termed a "freebie".

Over the spring and summer I noticed my period were a bit closer together than normal. Odd, but I didn't think much of it. In early August, I noticed some EWCM which is not uncommon for me and could or could not signal ovulation. My thought process around it was recorded in an email conversation with Sunny shortly afterwards when extending my congrats on her successful IUI:

"I had some EWCM the other day and thought should I have sex tonight? Maybe I'll get pregnant. Is that good or bad? Right now, I'm just trying not to think about it either way and just let what happens, happen. Of course that's not so easy. Two weeks from now if I don't get any more EWCM (I get it throughout my follicular phase for some strange reason), I'll start wondering if I'm pregnant. Ugh. It might just be better not to know anything about fertility at all!"

On August 20th (about two weeks later) I felt a little odd driving home from work. Indeed there had been no more EWCM. So on a whim, I picked up a pregnancy test although I was 95% sure it would be negative (why I even gave myself a 5% chance I don't know). After I picked up Jillian, I went home and POAS. And let me tell you, it is a whole lot harder to POAS when there is a mobile 10 month old in the room who has no qualms about reaching for the stick or a cup of urine. I set the stick on the counter and went into the kitchen to feed Jillian some dinner. A few minutes later, I went in the bathroom to grab a different shirt. I glanced over at the test and clearly saw two line. I can't remember my first thought exactly, but it was something along the lines of "What the hell is that? Two lines means pregnant, and there is no way I can be pregnant. Holy crap I'm freakin' pregnant?" I grabbed the test, walked into the kitchen and just stared at Jillian. "We're in for it now kid!"

Don't get me wrong. I was happy. But I was also in shock and in disbelief. And freaking out about the prospect of two under two. I instantly started doing math on due dates. I called my sister. I called my husband who was fishing (and shocked the heck out of him). I had my mother in law come over to keep me company. I looked in the refrigerator for something to drink. All I could find was beer and energy drinks. I was not prepared for this. What do I even do next? A infertile girl calls her RE and gets a beta. What on earth does a person do when they get pregnant without the assistance of medical professionals???

I stayed home the next morning and tried to convince my OB to do a beta based on those irregular cycles I have. I wasn't even sure when my LMP was. They stalled waiting for the doctor's permission. When I was almost to work they agreed to do the beta. So of course I turned around and went to their office 30 minutes back towards home. I had them order it stat because it was Friday and there was no way I could wait until Monday for the results. It came back at 209 (I was 210 with Jillian at 14dpo). We did a repeat on Sunday. That came in at 709 (I was 670 with Jillian at 16dpo). They did an u/s a few days later and it showed a sac measuring about 4 weeks, 5 days. On September 14th they had me come in for an u/s. There was a heartbeat and a little spot measuring 7 weeks, 2 days. My due date was set at May 2nd.

In all honesty, I've been having a difficult time believing that I'm pregnant at all. Just like with Jillian I have had no morning sickness. I know...knocked up unexpectedly and no m/s...you most certainly hate me by now. Plus I've just had this feeling along that somehow karma is going to bite me in the ass. It has been tough to escape this unavoidable feeling that something is going to go wrong at some point because how on earth could it be this easy?

I withheld this information from my blog because readership is wider now than it used to be. My family and friends read this blog, and I couldn't very well spill the beans until I had told them (we let people know at Jillian's party). It has not been easy news to contain from you all to say the least.

I am excited. I am nervous. I am optimistic. I am pessimistic. I am waiting for this all to finally feel real. Right now I feel like I'm pretending to be pregnant despite the visits to the OB, bloodwork and ultrasounds. I'm an impostor. I feel guilty because it was so easy for me. I didn't have to face the battle of IF treatments a second time. And how is that even fair when there are couples out there who never reach success a first time? How did I get to be so lucky? And yet I'm also completely scared of the prospect of having another when Jillian is just 19 months old. I mean I feel like I was just pregnant for goodness sake.

So that's where I am now. I'm waiting for the reassurance of hearing the heartbeat on October 21st. I'm hoping to reach 2nd tri when maybe I can take a small breath of relaxation and start to think about what might just be ahead of me.