The holiday season is almost upon us, and this year for the first time I am feeling a slight sense of dread coming over me. I suspect that my apprehension stems from a fear of uncomfortable social situations related to Jeramy and my efforts to start a family. While I am relatively new to this whole infertility gig, I have heard wise veterans share enough horror stories to understand why this frequently becomes their least favorite time of year. So being the open and unabashed sort of gal that I am, I figured a post letting friends, family and complete strangers of the blogging world know what not to say to me this holiday season was in order.
As such, I would very much appreciate it if you would refrain from making the following utterances for the next couple of months...
"Just keep it fun!"
Now this is a novel suggestion indeed! Sex...fun...who would have thought? However, spend a few months letting your favorite physician handle the "dirty work" of procreation for you and you'll see how the baby-making purpose of sex quickly loses its luster. Furthermore, it is especially important that all family members refrain from making this statement, as (1) I don't want to know their definition of fun and (2) I prefer to retain my ignorant belief that all familial births were the result of immaculate conception.
"Just relax and it will happen"
So perhaps I'm a bit of an obsessive/compulsive, crazed, type A planner. But in all seriousness folks, it is medically impossible that a reduction in my stress level will cause my cycle length to shrink from 65 days to 28. In fact, this whole comment though frequently used is quite insulting. After all, are you trying to tell me that this whole thing is my fault? Just ask my husband how I feel about being blamed for things beyond my control (or blamed for anything for that matter). He'll tell you, it's not very pretty.
"Aren't you afraid of multiples?"
The medications I'm currently on have a very low risk of multiples (5-8%) and practically all of those are twins. So at this point, I'm not worried. But regardless, do you have any better ideas for how to get me pregnant?
"Just get really drunk. It worked for us!"
Number one, I've tried that. Didn't work. However, I am seriously considering both crack cocaine and going on welfare.
"Oh, I was hoping that you'd tell me you were pregnant for my present" (said in a dejected voice)
Ummm...if you are upset about my lack of news, don't you think I am?
"Have you tried (insert crazy-ass activity here)? My sister in law's cousin's best friend's daughter did that and got pregnant."
Unless you personally have experienced success in getting pregnant after infertility via a particular method, keep such advice to yourself.
I'm not posting this to personally complain...rather everybody has been very kind regarding the obstacles we face on the baby-making front. Rather, view this as my attempt to maintain a harmonious and festive holiday season while laughingly venting about a few of the excruciatingly insensitive comments that normally well-meaning albeit clueless individuals sometimes let slip.
14 comments:
I love this list! I want to send it out with my christmas cards!!!
I will need to include: "Don't ask when we are going to have kids". If you don't knows our family building plans, maybe there is a reason. This gets real old real quick- as does our lame "when it's time" "someday" responses that sound sadder & more depressed as the months slip by. Believe me- we'll let you know if (when) we do get pregnant, but until then be polite & don't ask!
~Stands and applauds~
Very well said. I think every family should ahve to read that before the holiday season. Whether someone is infertile or not, some of those comments are just plain obnoxious.
I hope that your holiday's are less stressful now. ::wink""
Great post! I wish I had done something like that last year- it would have saved me a bit of grief. I hate it when everyone thinks they have the one answer that we're all looking for. As if that was even a possibility! I hope your holidays are great, and that no one gives you their "assvice". I still cant' believe that Thanksgiving is next week. Where did the fall go???
My DH's father keeps telling us we need to go on a vacation and that will do it.
Yep. 3 years of IF and a freaking vacation will do it!? Sigh.
Sigh. Good list. What I particularly hate is that those clueless types continue to find new ways to annoy and irritate. They never cease to amaze those clueless types...
Love the list!! Very well said:)
By the way, your scarf is fabulous!!
Great list:-)
Completely get it. Been hearing it for many years. Thanks for your well thought out post.
Love it, especially the dreaded "baby as a present" line. Man, even if they are dear loved ones, that response begs for a verbal smack down to end all smack downs. It wins the prize for both cruelty and egotism.
Damn right! Great replies.
"However, I am seriously considering both crack cocaine and going on welfare."
Haha. Ha. Haha. I hope you got a chance to use that one.
Bea
No one knows we are trying, so we mainly get the "when are you guys going to have kids?" I have been seriously thinking of saying "we are saving to buy a speedboat right now". Do you think that would stop them?
I read this post a few months abo but I came back via the creme. These comments are all so true and No they do not make a person feel better after hearing them. People should just not ask or say any of the above things when they have no idea. Besides if saying just relax and have fun with it actually worked that would be one thing but it doesn't. Thanks again for this post.
I like this list. I like anything with a sense of humor to it and this so fits.
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