I wish that I could say that I spent my MLK holiday remembering Dr. King and his amazing contributions to the civil rights movement. Instead, I must admit that I took advantage of the fact that I had a day off when many didn't to take care of appointments and errands ranging from physical therapy to grocery shopping to Jillian's 15 month well child visit.
Rather than sleeping in, I decided it would be a great idea to schedule the first PT appointment for my back pain at 7:20am. Jillian woke up just before I left, so at least I departed satisfied with the knowledge that Jeramy had to get up early as well, which is much better than the usual work day when I leave a dark, quiet house at 6am. Upon my arrival at the appointment, I met my sweet, perky PT who pronounced that my hip out of alignment (she had some technical name for it) thanks to Hayden. And to be fair, I should blame Jillian a bit too as the whole back-to-back pregnancies thing likely contributed. My girls are, of course, worth the pain as well as the 2 sessions of PT plus 1 session of massage therapy per week that I am required to squeeze into my evenings for the foreseeable future. Oh and the stretches that I am to do twice a day. Hopefully it all works because at the moment just an hour of housework leaves me propped up in the recliner with my lower back covered in BenGay. And while I love smelling like a Wintergreen lifesaver, my house does not clean itself. And while Jeramy is the busiest unemployed guy I know, he possesses that inherently masculine ability to prioritize just about any project possible over the dreaded duty of cleaning house so it is unlikely that he'll pick up the slack.
Later in the afternoon we had Jillian's 15 month appointment. I haven't actually taken her to the doctor in months since that responsibility usually falls on Jeramy these days. Beforehand he warned me of her typically crazed behavior in the waiting room of chasing her around the waiting room as she tore magazines off of every end table as the doctor ran thirty minutes behind schedule. Honestly, I think he was rather satisfied that finally I'd feel just a little of his pain. Fortunately for me/unfortunately for him, that was not the case. Upon entering Jillian made a beeline for the toys, which kept her happily occupied for the 5 minutes it took for them to call us back. Maybe I'm lucky. Or maybe, that is just the benefit I reap for running 10 minutes late to everything unlike my ever-punctual spouse. Regardless the visit was good and Jillian was almost cooperative at times (thanks mostly to my supply of treats). She got three vaccines, and was still following the same trendlines in terms of her growth:
Height: 31" (50-75th percentile)
Weight: 22.5 lbs (25 - 50th percentile)
Head Circumference: 20" (above 95th percentile)
It seems like this kid snacks constantly so I was rather surprised about the weight. And it is all head and belly these days (she has the most adorable pudgy belly on the planet). I promise more pictures soon.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Friday, January 15, 2010
This and That
When my alarm went off at 5am this morning, I thought "oops, forgot to shut my alarm off last night...it's Saturday". Then I rolled over and went back to sleep. Which would have been fine if it weren't Friday, which I remembered after I heard Jillian wake up and hour and a half later. So I missed my vanpool and drove myself into work later. Not exactly how I wanted to start my Friday, but at least there is a three day weekend to look forward to.
It has been a very busy week, which explains my lack of posts. Wednesday, in particular, was a bit hectic as I had a day of meetings and presentations bookended by doctor's appointments in the early morning and late afternoon. The morning appointment was at the maternal fetal medicine clinic to get a follow-up ultrasound of the brain part with the borderline measurement (the cisterna magna for those who are curious). The ultrasound tech said it hadn't really grown in the past few weeks, but the doctor said the measurement was still borderline. He did not seem too concerned though, because there are no other markers of a problem and none of his research of medical textbooks turned up any problem that would be evident by that measurement alone. This finding matches my even more reliable research via Dr. Google. Still they want to see me back next month for yet another ultrasound to measure again. They've got to earn a living somehow I suppose.
My late afternoon appointment was with my regular OB, Dr. C. She also seemed unconcerned about the cisterna magna, and told me that as ultrasound technology gets better and better they are able to measure more and more anatomical parts without really understanding what is and is not truly normal thus worrying prospective parents like myself. She agreed that my decision not to do the amnio made perfect sense. I told her about all the back pain I have been having with this pregnancy. For a few months now my lower right back hurts horribly after I do anything remotely active. I got some back pain with my last pregnancy but nothing significant until late in 3rd tri. I am pretty sure that a little 15 month old somebody might have a small part to play with this, and while I can limit holding her it is tough to resist her upheld arms and pathetic looks for long. So Dr. C prescribed PT and massage therapy, which I start next week. I welcome the back pain relief, but I'm not too thrilled about trying to fit even more pregnancy related appointments into my rather tight schedule.
But before getting too sorry for myself and my aches and pains, I think of Sunny hanging out on bedrest. Endless days in bed with daytime television is a much worse punishment than having to fit a weekly massage into the schedule.
Jillian continues to be her usual energetic self and is increasingly adding some "fun" toddler elements to our daily routine. Like temper tantrums. My God, can that kid throw a fit complete with throwing things when she is angry. Bedtime has become rather difficult because she knows what is coming after her bath and she resists mightly. Putting pajamas on a raging toddler with an arched back is not exactly the highlight of my day. She cries all the way to her crib, and when I set her down and hand her the pacifier she prompty throws it down. Once I close the door she is usually asleep within 10 minutes. But the tears leading up to that peaceful slumber are just heart wrenching. I do my best to ignore and smile knowing that the consistent routine is important. But oh how I miss the days of setting a quiet, happy baby in the crib and watching her turn over on her belly instantly and snuggle in for the night. I don't know whether the issue is separation anxiety, or the molars growing in, or what. I wish I could diagnose the problem and fix it, but I've long learned that babies and now apparently toddlers just don't work that way.
Jillian has spirit if nothing else. I keep trying to convince myself that this is a good thing.
It has been a very busy week, which explains my lack of posts. Wednesday, in particular, was a bit hectic as I had a day of meetings and presentations bookended by doctor's appointments in the early morning and late afternoon. The morning appointment was at the maternal fetal medicine clinic to get a follow-up ultrasound of the brain part with the borderline measurement (the cisterna magna for those who are curious). The ultrasound tech said it hadn't really grown in the past few weeks, but the doctor said the measurement was still borderline. He did not seem too concerned though, because there are no other markers of a problem and none of his research of medical textbooks turned up any problem that would be evident by that measurement alone. This finding matches my even more reliable research via Dr. Google. Still they want to see me back next month for yet another ultrasound to measure again. They've got to earn a living somehow I suppose.
My late afternoon appointment was with my regular OB, Dr. C. She also seemed unconcerned about the cisterna magna, and told me that as ultrasound technology gets better and better they are able to measure more and more anatomical parts without really understanding what is and is not truly normal thus worrying prospective parents like myself. She agreed that my decision not to do the amnio made perfect sense. I told her about all the back pain I have been having with this pregnancy. For a few months now my lower right back hurts horribly after I do anything remotely active. I got some back pain with my last pregnancy but nothing significant until late in 3rd tri. I am pretty sure that a little 15 month old somebody might have a small part to play with this, and while I can limit holding her it is tough to resist her upheld arms and pathetic looks for long. So Dr. C prescribed PT and massage therapy, which I start next week. I welcome the back pain relief, but I'm not too thrilled about trying to fit even more pregnancy related appointments into my rather tight schedule.
But before getting too sorry for myself and my aches and pains, I think of Sunny hanging out on bedrest. Endless days in bed with daytime television is a much worse punishment than having to fit a weekly massage into the schedule.
Jillian continues to be her usual energetic self and is increasingly adding some "fun" toddler elements to our daily routine. Like temper tantrums. My God, can that kid throw a fit complete with throwing things when she is angry. Bedtime has become rather difficult because she knows what is coming after her bath and she resists mightly. Putting pajamas on a raging toddler with an arched back is not exactly the highlight of my day. She cries all the way to her crib, and when I set her down and hand her the pacifier she prompty throws it down. Once I close the door she is usually asleep within 10 minutes. But the tears leading up to that peaceful slumber are just heart wrenching. I do my best to ignore and smile knowing that the consistent routine is important. But oh how I miss the days of setting a quiet, happy baby in the crib and watching her turn over on her belly instantly and snuggle in for the night. I don't know whether the issue is separation anxiety, or the molars growing in, or what. I wish I could diagnose the problem and fix it, but I've long learned that babies and now apparently toddlers just don't work that way.
Jillian has spirit if nothing else. I keep trying to convince myself that this is a good thing.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
32
Today I turn 32. I remember a time when that seemed like a really old age. My mom quite unexpectedly became pregnant with my little brother when she was 32. I was 9 years old at the time, and I remember thinking she was quite old as a parent of nearly three with her completely gray hair. Very old, of course, for a pregnant lady. Certainly much older than I feel or look at this moment, right? Well I lucked out in the looking young department thanks to my still blond hair and baby face. But the point is that your future age is never what you think it will be.
This past year, and my thirties in general, have been one of transition into parenthood. It has been an exhilarating transition as nobody could have prepared me for just how fun it really is to watch your own baby develop, learn and grow and become their own little person. But it has also been a tough transition between the sleepless nights, the invasion of endless noise in our house (from crying to giggling), the loss of free time, and the testing of my patience. Jillian is worth it for sure. But I do think that those new moms who only spew forth pronouncements of their utter joy and their complete fulfillment by motherhood are full of it.
I've spent much of the past fifteen months finding myself in this new role as mom. The balance between being a mom, being a wife, being an employee and just being me is never easy. But I would say that I haven't felt as much guilt as I expected or even as much guilt as some others might place on me. I can try my best in all those roles, but I'm never going to be perfect and somehow I just have to accept that not everything is within my control. Not an easy lesson for any type A such as myself to learn. Probably the hardest lesson of all though has been learning that I can't let the "just being me" part of things slide as so many of us are apt to do when we get busy. When I can't spend the time doing things I love, I do a disservice not only to myself but to those around me including my child. I see too many parents these days have children and then become slaves to them. They drop all outside interests, stop seeing old friends and focus solely on their kids. And while Jillian and Hayden are important to me, I think such lavish devotion can ultimately be harmful as kids grow up with the impression that they are the center of their parent's world and therefore the universe.
So yeah, I'm still learning and trying to get a hang of this whole being a mom thing. I'm sure I'll never quite get it right, but if my kids don't grow up to spend endless hours telling a psychiatrist how their mother screwed them up then I'll count myself as successful. I'm sure 32 will bring many new and just as difficult lessons to be learned as we move from having one child to two.
So there you have it. A little bit of rambling introspection from me on my birthday.
This past year, and my thirties in general, have been one of transition into parenthood. It has been an exhilarating transition as nobody could have prepared me for just how fun it really is to watch your own baby develop, learn and grow and become their own little person. But it has also been a tough transition between the sleepless nights, the invasion of endless noise in our house (from crying to giggling), the loss of free time, and the testing of my patience. Jillian is worth it for sure. But I do think that those new moms who only spew forth pronouncements of their utter joy and their complete fulfillment by motherhood are full of it.
I've spent much of the past fifteen months finding myself in this new role as mom. The balance between being a mom, being a wife, being an employee and just being me is never easy. But I would say that I haven't felt as much guilt as I expected or even as much guilt as some others might place on me. I can try my best in all those roles, but I'm never going to be perfect and somehow I just have to accept that not everything is within my control. Not an easy lesson for any type A such as myself to learn. Probably the hardest lesson of all though has been learning that I can't let the "just being me" part of things slide as so many of us are apt to do when we get busy. When I can't spend the time doing things I love, I do a disservice not only to myself but to those around me including my child. I see too many parents these days have children and then become slaves to them. They drop all outside interests, stop seeing old friends and focus solely on their kids. And while Jillian and Hayden are important to me, I think such lavish devotion can ultimately be harmful as kids grow up with the impression that they are the center of their parent's world and therefore the universe.
So yeah, I'm still learning and trying to get a hang of this whole being a mom thing. I'm sure I'll never quite get it right, but if my kids don't grow up to spend endless hours telling a psychiatrist how their mother screwed them up then I'll count myself as successful. I'm sure 32 will bring many new and just as difficult lessons to be learned as we move from having one child to two.
So there you have it. A little bit of rambling introspection from me on my birthday.
Monday, January 4, 2010
Fresh Starts are Tough on a Monday
The new year is supposed to bring fresh starts complete with new years resolutions and such. But it sure is hard to find the motivation for all of that on the first Monday after the holiday. Every person I've spoken to this morning has commented on how hard it is to get back in the groove of work after vacation. So in lieu of anything that would require some sort of effort on my part, I bring you pictures of Jillian. She seems to have no problem keeping her energy level up no matter what the time of year.
Oh and please note that I have not helped her to reach any of the heights shown in the first couple of photos.
h
Oh and please note that I have not helped her to reach any of the heights shown in the first couple of photos.
h
Thursday, December 31, 2009
End of a Decade
The fact that we're ending a decade has caught me by surprise. I remember so much media coverage of the end of the 80's and 90's but have not seen much for the end of the ...well what do you call this decade anyway....the 00's? Of course I seem to miss a lot of current events these days since my toddler interrupts my TV viewing by wanting me to pretend to talk on her cell phone or sing the itsy bitsy spider for the thousandth time.
For me the first ten years of this millenium have been transformative as one might expect from somebody who spent the bulk of the decade in her twenties. The first part was spent finishing school and building a career, and then in recent years adding to our family. Here is a quick re-cap:
2000
For me the first ten years of this millenium have been transformative as one might expect from somebody who spent the bulk of the decade in her twenties. The first part was spent finishing school and building a career, and then in recent years adding to our family. Here is a quick re-cap:
2000
- I entered the decade at 21 years old. Jeramy and I had been married for 1.5 years. I was going to school at the University of Washington, and working at a mom and pop owned canoe and kayak store where I'd been since age 17. We lived south of Seattle in a small apartment.
- April: in anticipation of my graduation I took a part-time job at a biotech firm that would go full-time when I graduated.
- June: earned my B.S. in chemistry
- July - November: Dispised my job and my evil, bitchy co-workers. I hated working in a lab in part because being a lab technician can feel rather limiting (I was essentially a production worker) and because I'm a complete and total klutz which doesn't mix well with working in a lab.
- December: Took a job with my current employer as a Program Assistant
- October: in the wake of 9/11 we decided to buy a house. It seemed to come together way to quickly but within a couple weeks we had made an offer and moved in.
- February: Got Cujo and I experienced my first taste of parenthood, which I found so stressful I nearly had a nervous breakdown. Okay, maybe that is exagerrating it. Maybe.
- March: After working at one dead end job after another, Jeramy applied for a Pipefitter apprenticeship and managed to beat out loads of other applicants.
- Nothing special that I can remember. Jeramy was working and going to night school, and I kept growing in my position at work and received a few promotions over the years.
- June: I had jaw surgery as part of my orthodontic treatments. My jaw was wired shut for a few weeks nearly driving me insane. Unfortunately the surgery did not go as smoothly as planned and would require a repeat surgery down the road.
- July: I was accepted into the Executive Master's in Health Administration program at the University of Washington. I'd spend the next two years working full-time while going to school.
- Spent the year in a haze of stress from work and school
- August: Graduated with my MHA!
- September: Started in my current Project Manager position in a different department
- October: Jeramy's graduation banquet from his apprenticeship. I don't think he was officially a journeyman until the following year, but he finished all of his schooling!
- December: After years of putting it off we began TTC. I was never optimistic that it would be quick given my history of sporadic cycles. I was never casual about TTC and began charting and using OPKs immediately.
- May: Went to my primary care MD about my irregular cycles and charts showing a late O
- June: Tests show nothing wrong. Referred to an OB but scheduled an appointment with an RE instead
- August: Clomid cycle #1...ovarian cyst #1
- October: Clomid cycle #2 w/IUI...ovarian cyst #2. Switched to Femara.
- December: Started Femara cycle #1 w/IUI on Christmas Eve
- January: BFP!!!
- January - October: Happy pregnancy and relatively easy pregnancy. Jillian born 10/7/08!
- October - December: Maternity leave and coping with a fussy newborn
- December: Almost on a whim we decide to look at houses closer to my MIL who would be watching Jillian after maternity leave. Within a week we find a house, get approved for a loan and have an offer accepted.
- January: Move to new house
- February: Jeramy gets laid off which we expected. He devotes his time to getting our old house on the market. We get a couple offers within a few days of listing it!
- April: We officially own just one house again.
- April - July: Jeramy devotes his time to adding on the master bedroom
- August: A surprise BFP!
- August - present: A happy and relatively easy (albeit stressful lately) pregnancy with Hayden
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
A Small Sign of Relief
Thanks everybody for your comments and reassurances on my last post. I keep reminding myself that statistics are on our side for a healthy baby. I think it was the whole chat with the genetic counselor that had me worked up, because such conversations are bound to be focused on the negative and what if scenarios.
The good news is that the fetal echo went great yesterday. We were doing it because of a history of heart problems in Jeramy's family (we did one with Jillian also), but I certainly made sure to mention how the other ultrasound went so they could be on the lookout for anything else negative. Luckily all they saw was what appears to be a perfectly healthy little heart. Phew! Hopefully the follow-up ultrasound in a couple more weeks will only bring more good news.
The good news is that the fetal echo went great yesterday. We were doing it because of a history of heart problems in Jeramy's family (we did one with Jillian also), but I certainly made sure to mention how the other ultrasound went so they could be on the lookout for anything else negative. Luckily all they saw was what appears to be a perfectly healthy little heart. Phew! Hopefully the follow-up ultrasound in a couple more weeks will only bring more good news.
Sunday, December 27, 2009
Ways to Frighten a Hormonal, Emotional Pregnant Woman
*I'm posting twice in one day as I didn't really want to combine this post with our Christmas post. So don't forget to check out all the pics of Jillian's holiday fun below*
I'm in an emotionally precarious state these days. I can't think of the last day that went by that I didn't cry. I cry over movies. I cry over the local news. I cry over television shows. I cry over commercials. I cry over books. I'm a hormonal basket case. And my ultrasound last Wednesday nearly put me over the edge.
As I mentioned before, we went for an ultrasound at the maternal fetal medicine clinic (rather than our OB) because Hayden is not a photogenic baby. She prefers hiding at the bottom of my uterus behind the placenta to getting her picture taken. The same held true at the MFM clinic so much so that they even hauled out the transvaginal wand to get snapshots of her brain since it was crammed up against my cervix. This is clearly a stubborn child.
The hour plus of trying to photograph my child I could handle. What I couldn't handle were the words "marker for downs" and "marker for Trisomy 18". They said that they thought my OB sent us in because the nuchal fold seemed to be measuring a bit thick (5 cm) and at their office it was measuring between 5-6 cm. They prefer to see it less than 5 cm but that measurement is really only valid until 20 weeks and both ultrasounds were taken just past that mark. Plus some doctors consider 6 cm the cut off so really the measurement is borderline. There was also some other brain part that was measuring at the upper edge of acceptable, which could be a marker for Trisomy 18. However, usually you would see other markers of that condition and none were found. Plus my nuchal fold testing and blood work from the sequential screen put Hayden's risk at both conditions at 1 in 20,000 so during the ultrasound I wasn't really too worried.
But then they stuck us in a room with the genetic counselor. She was nice enough for sure. But somehow sitting in that room and listening to her throw all these numbers at us sent me over the edge. She said that a marker like this would typically increase the risk of either condition 20 fold (and really since both measurements were borderline abnormal maybe even less) meaning that the 1/20,000 went to 1/1,000. She then told me that amnioscentisis was an option if we wanted to know for sure. But of course when I pressed her on the risks of that procedure, she told me that the chance of miscarriage was also 1/1,000. I told her that I didn't want to do the amnio since it didn't make sense statistically, but of course I was in tears at that point and she pressed me about whether I felt comfortable with that decision. In truth, I really felt like they were steering more towards the amnio...this is the U.S. after all. The more tests and procedures the better, right?
Anyhow, Jeramy and I decided not to do the amnio. Like I said it didn't make sense statistically, and I don't think we would decide to terminate the pregnancy based on the results. Plus as I got to thinking about it more, at 1/1,000 the risk for Down's is not even elevated over the normal incidence of the condition, and they certainly don't recommend amniocentisis for every pregnancy. I feel fine about this now, but it was not a good feeling to be sitting in that room working about a .01% risk and being pressed to make a quick decision.
I do go back in a few weeks for a follow-up ultrasound to measure the part of the brain that was borderline as a marker for Trisomy 18. They want to look to make sure it is growing at a normal rate. And tomorrow is the fetal echo. For the first time ever, I find myself wishing that I didn't have to do any more ultrasounds. I'd rather close my eyes, not think of the risks (which are always there in any pregnancy) and imagine a healthy baby girl at the end of this.
I'm in an emotionally precarious state these days. I can't think of the last day that went by that I didn't cry. I cry over movies. I cry over the local news. I cry over television shows. I cry over commercials. I cry over books. I'm a hormonal basket case. And my ultrasound last Wednesday nearly put me over the edge.
As I mentioned before, we went for an ultrasound at the maternal fetal medicine clinic (rather than our OB) because Hayden is not a photogenic baby. She prefers hiding at the bottom of my uterus behind the placenta to getting her picture taken. The same held true at the MFM clinic so much so that they even hauled out the transvaginal wand to get snapshots of her brain since it was crammed up against my cervix. This is clearly a stubborn child.
The hour plus of trying to photograph my child I could handle. What I couldn't handle were the words "marker for downs" and "marker for Trisomy 18". They said that they thought my OB sent us in because the nuchal fold seemed to be measuring a bit thick (5 cm) and at their office it was measuring between 5-6 cm. They prefer to see it less than 5 cm but that measurement is really only valid until 20 weeks and both ultrasounds were taken just past that mark. Plus some doctors consider 6 cm the cut off so really the measurement is borderline. There was also some other brain part that was measuring at the upper edge of acceptable, which could be a marker for Trisomy 18. However, usually you would see other markers of that condition and none were found. Plus my nuchal fold testing and blood work from the sequential screen put Hayden's risk at both conditions at 1 in 20,000 so during the ultrasound I wasn't really too worried.
But then they stuck us in a room with the genetic counselor. She was nice enough for sure. But somehow sitting in that room and listening to her throw all these numbers at us sent me over the edge. She said that a marker like this would typically increase the risk of either condition 20 fold (and really since both measurements were borderline abnormal maybe even less) meaning that the 1/20,000 went to 1/1,000. She then told me that amnioscentisis was an option if we wanted to know for sure. But of course when I pressed her on the risks of that procedure, she told me that the chance of miscarriage was also 1/1,000. I told her that I didn't want to do the amnio since it didn't make sense statistically, but of course I was in tears at that point and she pressed me about whether I felt comfortable with that decision. In truth, I really felt like they were steering more towards the amnio...this is the U.S. after all. The more tests and procedures the better, right?
Anyhow, Jeramy and I decided not to do the amnio. Like I said it didn't make sense statistically, and I don't think we would decide to terminate the pregnancy based on the results. Plus as I got to thinking about it more, at 1/1,000 the risk for Down's is not even elevated over the normal incidence of the condition, and they certainly don't recommend amniocentisis for every pregnancy. I feel fine about this now, but it was not a good feeling to be sitting in that room working about a .01% risk and being pressed to make a quick decision.
I do go back in a few weeks for a follow-up ultrasound to measure the part of the brain that was borderline as a marker for Trisomy 18. They want to look to make sure it is growing at a normal rate. And tomorrow is the fetal echo. For the first time ever, I find myself wishing that I didn't have to do any more ultrasounds. I'd rather close my eyes, not think of the risks (which are always there in any pregnancy) and imagine a healthy baby girl at the end of this.
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